Amber Sweet (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ambersweet) wrote2010-11-26 02:00 pm
ambersweet) wrote2010-11-26 02:00 pm
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Bonus Post: Emotional honesty and getting your needs met
I was leaving someone a comment-reply, and I went, this idea that I'm about to share is important, and more people need to hear it. So here we go.
1.) Compatibility is one of the most important things in a relationship.
Not necessarily a compatibility of interests, although that can make things better. There are plenty of men who spend every Sunday watching football while their wives read romance novels, and as long as they are compatible in other aspects of their relationship, this can be just fine. I am personally happier with a partner with whom I share interests (because it gives us something to talk about, and do together!) but I recognize that it's not necessary. A neat thing is the ability to find some sort of point at which your interests converge - my favorite podcast, for example, is called The Knit Wits, and it's a husband-and-wife team. She's a knitter, and he does professional voiceovers and commercial work - so the podcast they do together is an opportunity to have their interests converge, and share them with each other. He's genuinely interested in what she's doing, because she loves it, and they get to spend this hour or so each week just talking to each other about what they've been doing. I think every couple ought to do something like that; not even necessarily something productive, just a time spent together sharing something.
By compatibility, though, I mean emotional compatibility - if you need to talk and touch when you're angry and your partner needs to be alone, that doesn't really work for either of you. In situations like that, your overall incompatibility in the mechanics of being angry make you angrier, and resentful, and nothing gets resolved, because then you're fighting about the way you're angry. When I'm angry or upset, I need to be heard, I need to explain, and I need to be allowed to feel the way I'm feeling. I don't care who's right, I don't care about placing blame, I don't need someone to be "in the wrong." My ex-partner needed someone (else) to be wrong, to admit they were wrong, and to be sorry, and it didn't matter what they were feeling about the situation or why they did it. That's another thing that's important to me - I need to know why something happened, what motivated the behavior, and I need it to make sense. She didn't care why you did something, and if you tried to tell her she would process it as making an excuse. There is not anything wrong about the way she got angry, any more than there's something wrong with the way I get angry. They are just two (very) incompatible ways of communicating. This is why the relationship failed, and this is why the relationship needed to fail.
Other kinds of compatibility are useful! Financial compatibility, similar levels of cleanliness, similar philosophies on children and religion and politics, all make for better relationships. But if you don't have emotional compatibility, the rest of it is just window dressing. (Like good sex is 10% of the relationship and bad sex is 90%.)
Being unable to meet someone else's emotional needs does not mean that you're a bad person. It means you're in the wrong relationship.
Everyone has emotional needs. This is a list, and it basically says, In order to feel safe and happy, I need... It varies from person to person. Like I said above, I need to be heard. I need to be supported and validated. I need to feel appreciated and important. I need to feel like a priority. I need to feel like I'm beautiful. I need to be able to ask for things. I need you to know me well enough that I don't have to ask for things (without getting into the category of outright mind-reading, obviously). There are probably others, but those are the big ones I'm coming up with off the top of my head. Safe and happy is what I look for in a relationshipbecause I'm a Taurus. Other people may look for other things, but I need my relationship to be a haven from the world. There are also things I need to do for my partner to feel like I have a good relationship - I need to feel like I'm taking care of him in various ways. This is really as much about my emotional needs as his, because I need to feel needed is one of the highest on my hierarchy of needs. (This is probably why I stayed with J so long; up until the very end I really felt like she needed me.)
What you need, whether it's giving or receiving, isn't inherently bad or good, it just is. And you need to accept your needs as they are, because neglecting them hurts not only you but everyone around you. You can't really change those needs, and you shouldn't try. Give yourself permission to need things.
And then we get back to compatibility. I have emotional needs, you have emotional needs. If what I need to give matches what you need to receive (and vice versa), we're compatible. The higher the overlap, the better the relationship. If I need you to be honest with me, even if it's bad or uncomfortable, and you need to be honest no matter what, those are a pair of compatible needs. If I need to mother you a little bit and you want to feel taken care of, those are compatible needs. But if you need to treat me like a princess and I want to be left alone- that doesn't work. There's nothing wrong with wanting to treat your partner like a princess, but if your partner doesn't want to feel like a princess, then that's an incompatible need. (I totally want to be treated like a princess, trufax. No one is surprised.)
But if I cant meet your emotional needs, and you can't meet my emotional needs, then we need to stop being together, because it's not fair to either of us. We each need to go off and find someone who can meet those needs, whose needs we can ourselves meet. If I need a partner who makes sure I get up in the morning and you need a partner who's independent enough to do it herself, that's not going to work. And that's okay. Because a breakup isn't a failure.
1.) Compatibility is one of the most important things in a relationship.
Not necessarily a compatibility of interests, although that can make things better. There are plenty of men who spend every Sunday watching football while their wives read romance novels, and as long as they are compatible in other aspects of their relationship, this can be just fine. I am personally happier with a partner with whom I share interests (because it gives us something to talk about, and do together!) but I recognize that it's not necessary. A neat thing is the ability to find some sort of point at which your interests converge - my favorite podcast, for example, is called The Knit Wits, and it's a husband-and-wife team. She's a knitter, and he does professional voiceovers and commercial work - so the podcast they do together is an opportunity to have their interests converge, and share them with each other. He's genuinely interested in what she's doing, because she loves it, and they get to spend this hour or so each week just talking to each other about what they've been doing. I think every couple ought to do something like that; not even necessarily something productive, just a time spent together sharing something.
By compatibility, though, I mean emotional compatibility - if you need to talk and touch when you're angry and your partner needs to be alone, that doesn't really work for either of you. In situations like that, your overall incompatibility in the mechanics of being angry make you angrier, and resentful, and nothing gets resolved, because then you're fighting about the way you're angry. When I'm angry or upset, I need to be heard, I need to explain, and I need to be allowed to feel the way I'm feeling. I don't care who's right, I don't care about placing blame, I don't need someone to be "in the wrong." My ex-partner needed someone (else) to be wrong, to admit they were wrong, and to be sorry, and it didn't matter what they were feeling about the situation or why they did it. That's another thing that's important to me - I need to know why something happened, what motivated the behavior, and I need it to make sense. She didn't care why you did something, and if you tried to tell her she would process it as making an excuse. There is not anything wrong about the way she got angry, any more than there's something wrong with the way I get angry. They are just two (very) incompatible ways of communicating. This is why the relationship failed, and this is why the relationship needed to fail.
Other kinds of compatibility are useful! Financial compatibility, similar levels of cleanliness, similar philosophies on children and religion and politics, all make for better relationships. But if you don't have emotional compatibility, the rest of it is just window dressing. (
Being unable to meet someone else's emotional needs does not mean that you're a bad person. It means you're in the wrong relationship.
Everyone has emotional needs. This is a list, and it basically says, In order to feel safe and happy, I need... It varies from person to person. Like I said above, I need to be heard. I need to be supported and validated. I need to feel appreciated and important. I need to feel like a priority. I need to feel like I'm beautiful. I need to be able to ask for things. I need you to know me well enough that I don't have to ask for things (without getting into the category of outright mind-reading, obviously). There are probably others, but those are the big ones I'm coming up with off the top of my head. Safe and happy is what I look for in a relationship
What you need, whether it's giving or receiving, isn't inherently bad or good, it just is. And you need to accept your needs as they are, because neglecting them hurts not only you but everyone around you. You can't really change those needs, and you shouldn't try. Give yourself permission to need things.
And then we get back to compatibility. I have emotional needs, you have emotional needs. If what I need to give matches what you need to receive (and vice versa), we're compatible. The higher the overlap, the better the relationship. If I need you to be honest with me, even if it's bad or uncomfortable, and you need to be honest no matter what, those are a pair of compatible needs. If I need to mother you a little bit and you want to feel taken care of, those are compatible needs. But if you need to treat me like a princess and I want to be left alone- that doesn't work. There's nothing wrong with wanting to treat your partner like a princess, but if your partner doesn't want to feel like a princess, then that's an incompatible need. (
But if I cant meet your emotional needs, and you can't meet my emotional needs, then we need to stop being together, because it's not fair to either of us. We each need to go off and find someone who can meet those needs, whose needs we can ourselves meet. If I need a partner who makes sure I get up in the morning and you need a partner who's independent enough to do it herself, that's not going to work. And that's okay. Because a breakup isn't a failure.
Re: Long comment is long
N and I gamed totally differently (he's a strategy gamer, I'm a casual RP/adventure gamer), but we did it in ways that didn't involve the other, so it was just fine. A new game would come out and I'd be like, "Well, I'll miss you." But he was always very good about "staying in touch" even when he was spending most of his time Gating with Baldur or whatever. I suppose, even if you don't have the SAME hobbies, they need to be compatible - take similar amounts of time/energy/etc. He gets Poker Night, she gets Raiding With Her Clan night, or whatever.
Re: Long comment is long
I mean, I don't get the appeal of Let's Play videos at all. Watching other people play video games is the most boring shit in the world to me, even if they're making snarky commentary, because I'd rather be playing the game myself. But I don't begrudge Y. her enjoyment of them. She gets her enjoyment of games in a different way than I do, and that's fine. When we play WoW together, I let her get in the passenger seat of my rocket, and I sail around showing her cool places. I know she'll never be a hardcore nutjob like me, and it's cool. We still have fun. It just comes down to respect for your partner, to me.
I'll never understand the people who hook up with someone, knowing they have a hobby, and then force them to give it up because they disapprove. It's like when I used to go on eBay looking for old D&D books, and I'd see the giant lots for auction that just screamed, "I'm getting married and my SO is making me give up D&D." That used to make me so sad. Like...who does that to someone they love? Unless the hobby's like, sneaking off to crack houses and going on benders, let the poor nerd be.