![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I was leaving someone a comment-reply, and I went, this idea that I'm about to share is important, and more people need to hear it. So here we go.
1.) Compatibility is one of the most important things in a relationship.
Not necessarily a compatibility of interests, although that can make things better. There are plenty of men who spend every Sunday watching football while their wives read romance novels, and as long as they are compatible in other aspects of their relationship, this can be just fine. I am personally happier with a partner with whom I share interests (because it gives us something to talk about, and do together!) but I recognize that it's not necessary. A neat thing is the ability to find some sort of point at which your interests converge - my favorite podcast, for example, is called The Knit Wits, and it's a husband-and-wife team. She's a knitter, and he does professional voiceovers and commercial work - so the podcast they do together is an opportunity to have their interests converge, and share them with each other. He's genuinely interested in what she's doing, because she loves it, and they get to spend this hour or so each week just talking to each other about what they've been doing. I think every couple ought to do something like that; not even necessarily something productive, just a time spent together sharing something.
By compatibility, though, I mean emotional compatibility - if you need to talk and touch when you're angry and your partner needs to be alone, that doesn't really work for either of you. In situations like that, your overall incompatibility in the mechanics of being angry make you angrier, and resentful, and nothing gets resolved, because then you're fighting about the way you're angry. When I'm angry or upset, I need to be heard, I need to explain, and I need to be allowed to feel the way I'm feeling. I don't care who's right, I don't care about placing blame, I don't need someone to be "in the wrong." My ex-partner needed someone (else) to be wrong, to admit they were wrong, and to be sorry, and it didn't matter what they were feeling about the situation or why they did it. That's another thing that's important to me - I need to know why something happened, what motivated the behavior, and I need it to make sense. She didn't care why you did something, and if you tried to tell her she would process it as making an excuse. There is not anything wrong about the way she got angry, any more than there's something wrong with the way I get angry. They are just two (very) incompatible ways of communicating. This is why the relationship failed, and this is why the relationship needed to fail.
Other kinds of compatibility are useful! Financial compatibility, similar levels of cleanliness, similar philosophies on children and religion and politics, all make for better relationships. But if you don't have emotional compatibility, the rest of it is just window dressing. (Like good sex is 10% of the relationship and bad sex is 90%.)
Being unable to meet someone else's emotional needs does not mean that you're a bad person. It means you're in the wrong relationship.
Everyone has emotional needs. This is a list, and it basically says, In order to feel safe and happy, I need... It varies from person to person. Like I said above, I need to be heard. I need to be supported and validated. I need to feel appreciated and important. I need to feel like a priority. I need to feel like I'm beautiful. I need to be able to ask for things. I need you to know me well enough that I don't have to ask for things (without getting into the category of outright mind-reading, obviously). There are probably others, but those are the big ones I'm coming up with off the top of my head. Safe and happy is what I look for in a relationshipbecause I'm a Taurus. Other people may look for other things, but I need my relationship to be a haven from the world. There are also things I need to do for my partner to feel like I have a good relationship - I need to feel like I'm taking care of him in various ways. This is really as much about my emotional needs as his, because I need to feel needed is one of the highest on my hierarchy of needs. (This is probably why I stayed with J so long; up until the very end I really felt like she needed me.)
What you need, whether it's giving or receiving, isn't inherently bad or good, it just is. And you need to accept your needs as they are, because neglecting them hurts not only you but everyone around you. You can't really change those needs, and you shouldn't try. Give yourself permission to need things.
And then we get back to compatibility. I have emotional needs, you have emotional needs. If what I need to give matches what you need to receive (and vice versa), we're compatible. The higher the overlap, the better the relationship. If I need you to be honest with me, even if it's bad or uncomfortable, and you need to be honest no matter what, those are a pair of compatible needs. If I need to mother you a little bit and you want to feel taken care of, those are compatible needs. But if you need to treat me like a princess and I want to be left alone- that doesn't work. There's nothing wrong with wanting to treat your partner like a princess, but if your partner doesn't want to feel like a princess, then that's an incompatible need. (I totally want to be treated like a princess, trufax. No one is surprised.)
But if I cant meet your emotional needs, and you can't meet my emotional needs, then we need to stop being together, because it's not fair to either of us. We each need to go off and find someone who can meet those needs, whose needs we can ourselves meet. If I need a partner who makes sure I get up in the morning and you need a partner who's independent enough to do it herself, that's not going to work. And that's okay. Because a breakup isn't a failure.
1.) Compatibility is one of the most important things in a relationship.
Not necessarily a compatibility of interests, although that can make things better. There are plenty of men who spend every Sunday watching football while their wives read romance novels, and as long as they are compatible in other aspects of their relationship, this can be just fine. I am personally happier with a partner with whom I share interests (because it gives us something to talk about, and do together!) but I recognize that it's not necessary. A neat thing is the ability to find some sort of point at which your interests converge - my favorite podcast, for example, is called The Knit Wits, and it's a husband-and-wife team. She's a knitter, and he does professional voiceovers and commercial work - so the podcast they do together is an opportunity to have their interests converge, and share them with each other. He's genuinely interested in what she's doing, because she loves it, and they get to spend this hour or so each week just talking to each other about what they've been doing. I think every couple ought to do something like that; not even necessarily something productive, just a time spent together sharing something.
By compatibility, though, I mean emotional compatibility - if you need to talk and touch when you're angry and your partner needs to be alone, that doesn't really work for either of you. In situations like that, your overall incompatibility in the mechanics of being angry make you angrier, and resentful, and nothing gets resolved, because then you're fighting about the way you're angry. When I'm angry or upset, I need to be heard, I need to explain, and I need to be allowed to feel the way I'm feeling. I don't care who's right, I don't care about placing blame, I don't need someone to be "in the wrong." My ex-partner needed someone (else) to be wrong, to admit they were wrong, and to be sorry, and it didn't matter what they were feeling about the situation or why they did it. That's another thing that's important to me - I need to know why something happened, what motivated the behavior, and I need it to make sense. She didn't care why you did something, and if you tried to tell her she would process it as making an excuse. There is not anything wrong about the way she got angry, any more than there's something wrong with the way I get angry. They are just two (very) incompatible ways of communicating. This is why the relationship failed, and this is why the relationship needed to fail.
Other kinds of compatibility are useful! Financial compatibility, similar levels of cleanliness, similar philosophies on children and religion and politics, all make for better relationships. But if you don't have emotional compatibility, the rest of it is just window dressing. (
Being unable to meet someone else's emotional needs does not mean that you're a bad person. It means you're in the wrong relationship.
Everyone has emotional needs. This is a list, and it basically says, In order to feel safe and happy, I need... It varies from person to person. Like I said above, I need to be heard. I need to be supported and validated. I need to feel appreciated and important. I need to feel like a priority. I need to feel like I'm beautiful. I need to be able to ask for things. I need you to know me well enough that I don't have to ask for things (without getting into the category of outright mind-reading, obviously). There are probably others, but those are the big ones I'm coming up with off the top of my head. Safe and happy is what I look for in a relationship
What you need, whether it's giving or receiving, isn't inherently bad or good, it just is. And you need to accept your needs as they are, because neglecting them hurts not only you but everyone around you. You can't really change those needs, and you shouldn't try. Give yourself permission to need things.
And then we get back to compatibility. I have emotional needs, you have emotional needs. If what I need to give matches what you need to receive (and vice versa), we're compatible. The higher the overlap, the better the relationship. If I need you to be honest with me, even if it's bad or uncomfortable, and you need to be honest no matter what, those are a pair of compatible needs. If I need to mother you a little bit and you want to feel taken care of, those are compatible needs. But if you need to treat me like a princess and I want to be left alone- that doesn't work. There's nothing wrong with wanting to treat your partner like a princess, but if your partner doesn't want to feel like a princess, then that's an incompatible need. (
But if I cant meet your emotional needs, and you can't meet my emotional needs, then we need to stop being together, because it's not fair to either of us. We each need to go off and find someone who can meet those needs, whose needs we can ourselves meet. If I need a partner who makes sure I get up in the morning and you need a partner who's independent enough to do it herself, that's not going to work. And that's okay. Because a breakup isn't a failure.
Long comment is long
Date: 2010-11-27 12:04 am (UTC)From:Regarding hobbies: I think compatibility there is more important than people give it credit for, but that's much less about the actual hobbies and more about how the people in the relationship view and go about their hobbies, whether they're shared ones or not. I've found that this is one of those worldview things that can cause problems if you're not relatively on the same page. 'Cause even when people share the same interests, they may not go about them in the same way, and you need to have room to let each other go about things in the manner that's most comfortable and/or fun.
I'll just use gaming as an example since it's my main hobby. Specifically when it comes to WoW, I'm a progression-oriented raider, meaning that just seeing the dungeon and getting a couple of pieces of shiny loot isn't enough for me. I have to beat every boss in there to the end, preferably on hard mode. I'm the kind of player who runs spreadsheets and simulation programs to min-max my characters to the Nth degree in order to eke out every ounce of performance I can. I frequent sites with names like Elitist Jerks. I may not get shouty over voice chat at people who make mistakes, but I am very competitive and I'm definitely a perfectionist; my definition of fun includes being prepared and trying your best. My definition of gaming euphoria is dying to Sindragosa on hard mode for weeks at a time, then finally killing the damn dragon and cheering and hollering over voice chat with your friends. I'm the type of raider who considers it a failure if I'm not in the top three for damage done on a boss fight, and I do boatloads of research on the classes I play in order to make sure I stay there (as well as being aware of the utility-type abilities I can bring to the fight to make it easier for the raid). I'm also damned good at what I do, and am always one of the go-to mentors in my guilds for people who need help with their characters.
Raiding is also the kind of activity that requires hours of time, and demands a lot of focus. You have either 9 or 24 other people relying on you to know your role and not fuck things up for everyone (triply so if you're in any sort of mission-critical role like healing or tanking). I may not be raiding 10-15 hours a week anymore (thank gods), and I may not be doing crazy hard modes like I used to, but I do spend a lot of time on it.
Even in single player games, I'm the one that has to go for 100% completion, I have to max out my characters' levels/equipment/stats, I have to find/beat all the secret bosses and get all the uber loot. I have over 200 hours clocked on my main Vagrant Story save file and at least 70% of those hours were spent farming soldiers for gear and tweaking it in the workshops to get the best possible armor and weapons. I write FAQs and guides.
In other words, I'm a hardcore gamer, and I'm very set in my ways about it. If my partner can't understand or appreciate that, it's going to be a problem, even if they themselves play video games. For all his (many) faults, Ryan understood that because he was the exact same way. I think if we hadn't been raiding together, we would have broken up long before we actually did. Pete, OTOH, didn't get that, which is why I stopped gaming with him--he couldn't respect my skill, and would pitch fits whenever I beat him at anything, because how dare a woman who's been gaming her whole life be better than her boyfriend whose first gaming experience was the original Playstation. I don't take a casual approach to gaming, and when I'm forced to do so or feel like I have to stop gaming altogether in order to keep the peace in a relationship, I tend to be pretty miserable. It's less about the gaming itself--even though I love it to bits--and more about feeling like my wants and needs are being disregarded. Which goes right into the emotional needs stuff you were talking about. (And now you know the root of what made me so upset re: Kingdom Hearts 2, Dirge of Cerberus, and FF12 when I was living with J.)
Re: Long comment is long
Date: 2010-11-27 04:15 am (UTC)From:N and I gamed totally differently (he's a strategy gamer, I'm a casual RP/adventure gamer), but we did it in ways that didn't involve the other, so it was just fine. A new game would come out and I'd be like, "Well, I'll miss you." But he was always very good about "staying in touch" even when he was spending most of his time Gating with Baldur or whatever. I suppose, even if you don't have the SAME hobbies, they need to be compatible - take similar amounts of time/energy/etc. He gets Poker Night, she gets Raiding With Her Clan night, or whatever.
Re: Long comment is long
Date: 2010-11-27 04:42 am (UTC)From:I mean, I don't get the appeal of Let's Play videos at all. Watching other people play video games is the most boring shit in the world to me, even if they're making snarky commentary, because I'd rather be playing the game myself. But I don't begrudge Y. her enjoyment of them. She gets her enjoyment of games in a different way than I do, and that's fine. When we play WoW together, I let her get in the passenger seat of my rocket, and I sail around showing her cool places. I know she'll never be a hardcore nutjob like me, and it's cool. We still have fun. It just comes down to respect for your partner, to me.
I'll never understand the people who hook up with someone, knowing they have a hobby, and then force them to give it up because they disapprove. It's like when I used to go on eBay looking for old D&D books, and I'd see the giant lots for auction that just screamed, "I'm getting married and my SO is making me give up D&D." That used to make me so sad. Like...who does that to someone they love? Unless the hobby's like, sneaking off to crack houses and going on benders, let the poor nerd be.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-27 01:21 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-11-27 04:16 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-11-27 02:06 am (UTC)From:because I'm a Taurus.I should have known you were a Taurus. My fellow Taureans tend to be the most sane people to me. Our emotional needs are eerily similar, too.
Minus the princess thing. XDno subject
Date: 2010-11-27 04:26 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-11-27 03:17 am (UTC)From:Safe and happy is what I look for in a relationship
because I'm a Taurus.XD I've no idea how my fishiness relates to this, but that made me lol. I think "safe and happy" is a fair goal for a lot of people.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-27 04:30 am (UTC)From:Paviwho need excitement, but I prefer my relationships to be comfortable and stable.no subject
Date: 2010-11-27 04:46 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-11-27 03:39 am (UTC)From:I'm an Aries, so mine is more "I am queen of my effing knights, bow down." And the sex is like 90% of the relationship, period. <--Power Bottomer from HellThis has to be one of the most awesome relationship posts ever. Seriously.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-27 04:33 am (UTC)From:I'm right on the Aries-Taurus cusp, so I have these occasional outbursts of diva.no subject
Date: 2010-11-27 04:43 am (UTC)From:I'm close to the Pieces cusp--my due date was in Pieces, I was late to the party--so I'm a diva with FEELINGS! :DAlso, it's really funny how many people I hang out with are in Taurus. O_o
I even married one. We, um, our compatible works in strange ways. Ways we are just now learning.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-27 06:10 am (UTC)From:Nothing constructive to add, but, I want safe and happy, but I also want adventure and excitement. APPARENTLY I JUST WANT EVERYTHING.