What do you want to be when you grow up?

It's one of those questions that grown-ups ask children when they're making small talk. (See also: "How old are you?" "What grade are you in?" "What's your favorite subject in school?")

The trouble is that, as children, we decide that it's actually a meaningful question. One day we'll achieve that mystical state known as "grown up," we will know everything, be supremely confident, and be something. This is the case whether or not our parents actually have careers that are self-descriptive and permanent (doctor, lawyer, Indian chief). It might be even more true if your parents do have careers like that; mine did not, and maybe that's why I have figured some of this out. My mom used to be a teacher, and then she taught college part-time and taught people how to give quality customer service full-time, and now she works for the IRS. Yes, really. My dad was career military, but he did all sorts of things for the military (working on cargo planes! bossing reservists around! pushing papers!) and now he's retired and also works for (a different division of) the IRS. (Neither of them have the power to audit you, however.)

Admittedly, it used to be a meaningful question. When you got out of school, you got a job with a company and then did that job or something similar to it until you retired. Then the world changed, and the only people who stay with companies for twenty years are government employees or finch's mom, and even she got laid off.

Nowadays, both "grown-up" and "career" are sort of nebulous concepts. I figured out somewhere around 21 that nothing magical happens to make you grown up, and nobody's going to catch you faking it and make you go back to high school. (My first real job? I totally felt like that all the time.)

And now I'm 34, and about to graduate college, and I've worked all sorts of jobs and I have something I'm going to try, and then an idea of what I want to do next, and maybe that thing won't be forever, but that's okay. Not knowing is okay, and trying things out is okay, and deciding that you don't want to do that after all is also okay. Figuring it out and doing it is cool too, but it's not necessary. Because nobody's going to make you declare what you want to be when you grow up any more, because you're already grown up, and the only reason grown-ups ask kids is because they're looking for ideas.

What's important is happiness, because that's the thing that follows you home at night. Maybe happiness means you work a crappy retail job so you have the free time to pursue your hobby or spend time with your kids, and maybe happiness means you get a degree (or several) and have a Serious Career that you love to pieces. Maybe happiness means switching jobs every few years because you get bored. Maybe, for now, happiness means working a job you hate while you're going to school and looking for something else - just make sure that it isn't the end. There are too many people working jobs they hate, and not enough people following their fish their bliss. Do what you love and the money will follow is so cliched, and it's maybe not realistic, but do what you love and don't stress about the money is closer. Because money won't buy you anything but stuff, and stuff is highly overrated. (Don't get me wrong: having enough money to pay the bills is an important place to be at. Just - it doesn't have to be much more than that.)

This has been a rambling way to say, the next time someone asks you what you want to be when you grow up, the best possible answer you can give them is, "Happy."

*head+desk* OTP

It's 10:49. I have a ten-minute presentation and a five-page paper due tomorrow at 1:30. I skipped my internship today so I could stay home and work on them. I haven't actually started either one. I'm struggling with a complete inability to focus, a total lack of inspiration, and I just wish the semester were over already. I hate this class, I could've taught this class better than the professor, I question virtually every decision she's made in teaching (including the books she selected), and I just have not words. The last thing I want to do is write a paper for her.

The thing that really upsets me is that we read a book, The Scalpel and the Silver Bear, for my Women as Healers class. It's written by the first female Navajo surgeon, and I really wish I could write my paper about THAT, but we have to write about the absolute shit we had to read for the second half of the semester. Also (and I've had this problem in virtually every English class I've taken) I can't find supporting documentation about what I actually want to talk about. WHY DOES SOMEONE ELSE NEED TO HAVE HAD AN OPINION FIRST? MY OPINIONS ARE AWESOME.

Hate hate hate hate this.