Dan Savage talks from time to time about relationships ending, and how our society basically teaches that every relationship that doesn't last For The Rest Of Your Life is a failure. It's unreasonable in several ways, not the least of which is that not everyone is looking for that, all the time, and also because it gives you the feeling when you're walking away from a broken relationship that you've invested "all that time" in something "for nothing."
That's really not true. Sure, you didn't get Forever, but you got other things. You learned stuff, about yourself and about what you need in a partner. You had good times. You had bad times, hopefully different than the bad times you had with other people, because every relationship treats stress differently. (And also the same! Which is why there are relationship counselors and advice columns, because you can extrapolate a little bit from your own experience, and from other people's.) You got time (weeks, months, years) spent looking through someone else's eyes at the world.
So that's far from nothing.
I can't say that I got nothing out of eight years, because I met plenty of people who are still good friends that I wouldn't have if I weren't with her. (Number one on that list is obviously![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
finch! But there are a lot of you hanging out here with me who are ALSO on that list.) I learned things about myself, about what I need in a relationship to be healthy and happy and sane. I learned what would happen to me if I didn't get those things, or I didn't get them regularly, or I didn't get enough of them. I discovered I was capable of all sorts of things, some of them very good. And maybe most importantly, I learned the value of a good relationship.
There was more, about power and control, and creating the thing you fear, and how being afraid of losing something (or someone) can cause you to act in a way that brings that very fear to reality, and some stuff about being the person you are, rather than the person you think your partner wants you to be (so when you stop and go back to being yourself, your partner turns to you and says You are not the person I fell in love with), but I can't make the words go together and I've been staring at this for several hours now. So I'll post it, and you can all talk about it in the comments.
That's really not true. Sure, you didn't get Forever, but you got other things. You learned stuff, about yourself and about what you need in a partner. You had good times. You had bad times, hopefully different than the bad times you had with other people, because every relationship treats stress differently. (And also the same! Which is why there are relationship counselors and advice columns, because you can extrapolate a little bit from your own experience, and from other people's.) You got time (weeks, months, years) spent looking through someone else's eyes at the world.
So that's far from nothing.
I can't say that I got nothing out of eight years, because I met plenty of people who are still good friends that I wouldn't have if I weren't with her. (Number one on that list is obviously
finch! But there are a lot of you hanging out here with me who are ALSO on that list.) I learned things about myself, about what I need in a relationship to be healthy and happy and sane. I learned what would happen to me if I didn't get those things, or I didn't get them regularly, or I didn't get enough of them. I discovered I was capable of all sorts of things, some of them very good. And maybe most importantly, I learned the value of a good relationship.There was more, about power and control, and creating the thing you fear, and how being afraid of losing something (or someone) can cause you to act in a way that brings that very fear to reality, and some stuff about being the person you are, rather than the person you think your partner wants you to be (so when you stop and go back to being yourself, your partner turns to you and says You are not the person I fell in love with), but I can't make the words go together and I've been staring at this for several hours now. So I'll post it, and you can all talk about it in the comments.
