I think capitulation to make the argument over is very common, particularly in unhealthy relationships. Yes, you're right, whatever, I don't want this to turn into a giant protracted fight over this stupid thing was almost a mantra of mine during the last year or so with her. The problem with forced capitulation like that is that it's going to build resentment, because you're not giving in because you know the point is important, or your opinion isn't that strong, you're giving in to... stop the fight. And if you're the only one who ever gives in to stop the fight, you feel like you're the one doing all the work and then they rant about how you never let them win an argument and you wonder what universe they're living in and that you'd really like to move there. In that case, "gracious capitulation" is just being a doormat. That's also why I suggested appropriate things to do when your partner has capitulated, to make sure that the resentment doesn't build because you know you're appreciated.
I'm certainly feeling out the whole "healthy relationship" thing, because I've certainly never had one before finch, even with my parents. Emotional honesty is also kind of a new idea for me, which is why I spend so much time mulling over it. XD
On the other hand, from what I've seen, every one of your relationships is a little better than the previous one. Yes, Silver left a pretty damned low benchmark, but there are PLENTY of people who go from one physically abusive relationship to another, making exactly the same sorts of mistakes. You're at least learning different kinds of unhealthy each time.
Jack and I have discussed, on more than one occasion, how we don't think either of us could have managed a relationship with someone who hadn't been through Hurricane Jen, because nobody else could understand. "Thank you for being sane and not overreacting to this ridiculously minor thing" should not be something you say to your partner on a regular basis out of sheer unadulterated relief that you can say and do things without them going completely overboard - but we do. Also "thank you for acknowledging my needs," and "thank you for making my desires a priority."
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chiming
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Date: 2010-12-15 05:37 pm (UTC)From:and then they rant about how you never let them win an argument and you wonder what universe they're living in and that you'd really like to move there. In that case, "gracious capitulation" is just being a doormat. That's also why I suggested appropriate things to do when your partner has capitulated, to make sure that the resentment doesn't build because you know you're appreciated.I'm certainly feeling out the whole "healthy relationship" thing, because I've certainly never had one before
On the other hand, from what I've seen, every one of your relationships is a little better than the previous one. Yes, Silver left a pretty damned low benchmark, but there are PLENTY of people who go from one physically abusive relationship to another, making exactly the same sorts of mistakes. You're at least learning different kinds of unhealthy each time.
Jack and I have discussed, on more than one occasion, how we don't think either of us could have managed a relationship with someone who hadn't been through Hurricane Jen, because nobody else could understand. "Thank you for being sane and not overreacting to this ridiculously minor thing" should not be something you say to your partner on a regular basis out of sheer unadulterated relief that you can say and do things without them going completely overboard - but we do. Also "thank you for acknowledging my needs," and "thank you for making my desires a priority."