I briefly mention knitting, then move on to other things.

I finished finch's Driver Gloves tonight, weaving in the ends and attaching the D-rings. I also wove the ends in on the Seafoam Shawl; I'll be taking it up to Fantasia tomorrow to see if the psychic who accosted me still wants it now that it's finished.

We went to a couple of thrift stores today. This particular chain has 50% off sales on the holidays. finch scored a gorgeous pair of boots, I picked up a book (Alas, Babylon by Pat Frank; I haven't read it since high school so we'll see how it holds up) and several sweaters to unravel for yarn. Then I spent a couple of hours snipping threads on the living-room floor and making black-and-white yarn balls. I'm learning a lot about sweater construction, which should help when I actually start to make a sweater. I'm thinking about making a pink dinosaur hoodie for my dinosaur-loving niece, because how awesome would that be? It has spikes up the hood and down the back and it may be the cutest thing ever.

Spent the first couple of hours of my shift tonight finishing my objects, then I started working on my homework.t

I'm taking a seminar this semester called Research on Women and Crime, which started out a profoundly upsetting class, just in general. We started out on domestic violence (which, yeah) and then moved on to abortion and prostitution. (The prostitution class was held debate-style, in which emotions ran very high, and one particularly vocal member of the anti-prostitution group hasn't come back to class at all.) We've also read about drug crimes, juvenile justice, women in prison, and women leaving prison. (We're going out to tour the women's prison later this month.) So the last few weeks, while anger-making, haven't been nearly as personal as the first few.

So the articles I'm reading for Monday's class are on transgender inmates. I'm reading "'Trapped' in Sing-Sing: Transgendered Prisoners Caught in the Gender Binarism" by Darren Rosenblum. (It's a 75 page .pdf file. My eyes, they're bleeding.) Now what I didn't realize when I started reading it was that it was written in 2000. A lot has changed since 2000. But I'm reading the article and screaming at the author for the transfail ( beneath are my reactions to a couple of pages; they're going into my response paper, so they're semi-academic in tone, until the point where I just start capslocking everywhere. )

Friday Chicken: The Culture of Okay

It’s Friday, so I’m at my internship, which is a non-profit organization that, among other things, contracts with the state government to perform certain tasks. The staff accountant sits next to me, so I overhear quite a lot. She’s really the go-to person to solve problems around here, particularly complicated ones, and I think in part it’s because she’s forceful enough to confront people when it needs to happen, and to point out (often energetically) when something IS a problem that needs to be addressed, yes, in fact, that’s totally wrong and get that taken care of right now. Women are socialized to not make waves, and in an office of mostly women, women in social services, people are willing to let things go even when they shouldn’t.

That’s sort of part of what I’m talking about, but it’s mostly context.

This morning there’s some sort of intradepartmental politics going on, and Accountant D. is at the center of it, identifying the problem, getting an explanation, explaining it to the unit manager (my BossBoss). I don’t know if that’s related to this thing that happened next, but I leave the room and come back about five minutes later, am working again, and Volunteer Coordinator B. comes in and asks D. if she’s okay. She says she’s called her doctor, and she’s going to call her right back. A few minutes later, D’s cell phone rings, and I assume it’s her doctor, because she grabs the phone and her keys and leaves the room. As she’s leaving, I hear her – clearly in tears or just out of them – say, “Oh, I’m – okay.”

OBVIOUSLY THIS IS NOT TRUE.

Also, you’re on the phone with your DOCTOR, who really needs to know if you’re not okay, whether they’re a physical or mental health provider, especially if you called them about the problem you’re having right now.

So I really got to thinking about the culture of “okay,” where you’re expected to answer positively to any inquiry after your state of being, even if you’re not. Maybe especially if you’re not. You’re also supposed to answer on the neutral side of positive; it’s bad form somehow to respond, “FANTASTIC!” to “How are you?” even if you are. This is why I called this the culture of “okay” rather than the culture of “good.” “Good” is still a neutral-positive response; we all have our automatic returns to that query, but it baselines to about the same area. How are you? Oh, I’m good. I’m well. I’m okay. Not so bad. Could be better. Comme-ci, comme-ca. So-so. Operating within acceptable parameters. Whatever.

I realize that “How are you” is a kind of generic small talk, along the lines of, “Sure is hot, isn’t it?” – the kind of thing you the checker asks you at the grocery store. A service employee (probably) doesn’t care how you are; they’re just making small talk while you’re standing in front of them. A customer likes to feel like you care about them even if you don’t. Really, not only does the checker doesn’t care how you are, it’s really none of their business, so a neutral-positive response is okay to give. Actually I like to tell service employees that I’m doing great, because they usually smile. It’s nice to hear someone give a non-standard response to anything, really.

But when you’re talking to a friend, or someone whose job it is TO care for or about you, and you still give that neutral-positive response when the answer is ANYTHING else – in either direction – you’re doing a disservice to both of you.

I could talk about the semi-competitive nature of casual friendship, (especially among the female-socialized; there’s a reason the word “frenemy” has to exist and it isn’t a good one) where a super-positive response might trigger jealousy or anger on the part of the friend – but if you’re worried that someone is going to be upset because you’re doing well, or had a good thing happen to you, even if their life is NOT going well – then they’re not really a friend. Or maybe you need to work on your communication, or (and!) they need to work on their emotional responses. In the polyamory community, they call it “compersion,” the ability to find happiness in someone else’s happiness. I am happy for you. The fact that you are doing well makes me genuinely happier. I wish I were doing as well, but I can at least take pleasure in the fact that someone I have a caring relationship with is happy.

What I’m challenging you to do, and what I want to do as well, is increase the number of people in your life that you answer that question honestly with. Eventually create a circle of friends where emotional honesty is actually not only valued but expected.

( More about what this means and what I want to accomplish. )