It’s Friday, so I’m at my internship, which is a non-profit organization that, among other things, contracts with the state government to perform certain tasks. The staff accountant sits next to me, so I overhear quite a lot. She’s really the go-to person to solve problems around here, particularly complicated ones, and I think in part it’s because she’s forceful enough to confront people when it needs to happen, and to point out (often energetically) when something IS a problem that needs to be addressed, yes, in fact, that’s totally wrong and get that taken care of right now. Women are socialized to not make waves, and in an office of mostly women, women in social services, people are willing to let things go even when they shouldn’t.
That’s sort of part of what I’m talking about, but it’s mostly context.
This morning there’s some sort of intradepartmental politics going on, and Accountant D. is at the center of it, identifying the problem, getting an explanation, explaining it to the unit manager (my BossBoss). I don’t know if that’s related to this thing that happened next, but I leave the room and come back about five minutes later, am working again, and Volunteer Coordinator B. comes in and asks D. if she’s okay. She says she’s called her doctor, and she’s going to call her right back. A few minutes later, D’s cell phone rings, and I assume it’s her doctor, because she grabs the phone and her keys and leaves the room. As she’s leaving, I hear her – clearly in tears or just out of them – say, “Oh, I’m – okay.”
OBVIOUSLY THIS IS NOT TRUE.
Also, you’re on the phone with your DOCTOR, who really needs to know if you’re not okay, whether they’re a physical or mental health provider, especially if you called them about the problem you’re having right now.
So I really got to thinking about the culture of “okay,” where you’re expected to answer positively to any inquiry after your state of being, even if you’re not. Maybe especially if you’re not. You’re also supposed to answer on the neutral side of positive; it’s bad form somehow to respond, “FANTASTIC!” to “How are you?” even if you are. This is why I called this the culture of “okay” rather than the culture of “good.” “Good” is still a neutral-positive response; we all have our automatic returns to that query, but it baselines to about the same area. How are you? Oh, I’m good. I’m well. I’m okay. Not so bad. Could be better. Comme-ci, comme-ca. So-so. Operating within acceptable parameters. Whatever.
I realize that “How are you” is a kind of generic small talk, along the lines of, “Sure is hot, isn’t it?” – the kind of thing you the checker asks you at the grocery store. A service employee (probably) doesn’t care how you are; they’re just making small talk while you’re standing in front of them. A customer likes to feel like you care about them even if you don’t. Really, not only does the checker doesn’t care how you are, it’s really none of their business, so a neutral-positive response is okay to give. Actually I like to tell service employees that I’m doing great, because they usually smile. It’s nice to hear someone give a non-standard response to anything, really.
But when you’re talking to a friend, or someone whose job it is TO care for or about you, and you still give that neutral-positive response when the answer is ANYTHING else – in either direction – you’re doing a disservice to both of you.
I could talk about the semi-competitive nature of casual friendship, (especially among the female-socialized; there’s a reason the word “frenemy” has to exist and it isn’t a good one) where a super-positive response might trigger jealousy or anger on the part of the friend – but if you’re worried that someone is going to be upset because you’re doing well, or had a good thing happen to you, even if their life is NOT going well – then they’re not really a friend. Or maybe you need to work on your communication, or (and!) they need to work on their emotional responses. In the polyamory community, they call it “compersion,” the ability to find happiness in someone else’s happiness. I am happy for you. The fact that you are doing well makes me genuinely happier. I wish I were doing as well, but I can at least take pleasure in the fact that someone I have a caring relationship with is happy.
What I’m challenging you to do, and what I want to do as well, is increase the number of people in your life that you answer that question honestly with. Eventually create a circle of friends where emotional honesty is actually not only valued but expected.
I read a fantastic blog called The Fluent Self, and she has a tradition every Friday: the Check-In. The mascot for Friday posts is a chicken, which is why that’s the title. Every Friday, she posts about how she’s doing this week, physically and emotionally, and where the stumbling blocks are. So: this is my Friday check-in, for the sake of emotional honesty. Feel free to make yours as well, or post them on your own blogs.
I keep going back and forth between locking this post, and not. On the one hand, emotional honesty is important! People VISIBLY being emotionally honest, calling each other on emotional honesty, that’s the only sort of thing that will eliminate the hard-wired positive-neutral response. On the other hand, public emotions! This is hard! Scary! What do you think? Would you reply more openly or honestly if this post were locked?
So, Friday Chicken:
Overall, I am doing extremely well.
Yes, we are struggling financially, but I have put myself out in the world, and gotten one very positive response. There may be others.![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
finch is doing things too. I am trusting in the universe to give us what we need. The universe has been very good about giving us that kind of support, and I have enough faith in the higher powers that we will keep going. (At the same time, still offering commissions! The holiday season, it approaches. And if you’re not rich in material wealth, I may be willing to barter for goods and/or services, as you are my friends; cover the cost of my materials and we’ll talk. I’m a bargain-hunter by nature, so I WILL find you the best deal on materials, too.)
I am enjoying my internship, I love my job, and even though the schedule means my sleeping schedule is sort of erratic, it’s okay, at least for now. I’ve demonstrated to myself that I can function on 3 hours of sleep if I have to.
finch is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, in terms of relationships, in terms of friendships, in terms of emotional and physical support. He’s gone out of his way to make sure I don’t feel overwhelmed or overworked, and he thanks me, a lot, for everything. I work for appreciation; I will toil and slave and work myself to a nervous breakdown if you appreciate me enough. It’s a flaw in my character, maybe.
Stumbling blocks, and ways I am working on/around/over/under/through them:
- There’s never enough time to get everything done, and then I get overwhelmed and just want to knit. So I’ve been giving myself permission to knit for a while before I move on, which usually gives me enough calm TO move on. I’ve really been doing very well at keeping up with what I need to.
- I keep feeling like the lack of sleep is going to catch up with me somewhere. Thus far it hasn’t, and I’m trying VERY hard to take care of myself in other areas. My hour-long commute each way is a way of giving myself time to relax and be creative/productive. Also my work shifts, where I have sporadically interrupted blocks of time to work in. I don’t think I’m eating enough, though – I have learned at cons that you can go without food or sleep but not both. I need to stop skipping breakfast.
- The fear/dread/anxiety about the end of the semester. It’s not that far off! There are goals that I don’t know if I can reach! Finding stuff to do in the interim! ANXIETY. And stuff. Mostly I’ve been ignoring this but I can’t do it much longer.
For next week I need to:
- Begin work on my end-of-semester research paper. Because doing a project before the deadline is hovering over me like a menacing cloud would be a nice change of pace! I have a pile of books to go through. Next week: read one chapter. Bonus goal: TWO chapters.
- Check deadlines for grad school. One of those hovering problems with this is financial; I need money to APPLY to grad school, I need money to take the GRE. However, I don’t need money to ask people to write letters of recommendation. Ask one person to do this. Bonus goal: THREE people.
- Add to the Seafoam Shawl, as the recipient thinks it’s not big enough. I am considering looking for another pattern, maybe something a little lacier, just to spice up the endless ROWS AND ROWS OF KNIT STITCH. Bonus goal: Finish sock #1.
I think that’s enough, for now.
So that’s my Friday chicken. How’s yours?
That’s sort of part of what I’m talking about, but it’s mostly context.
This morning there’s some sort of intradepartmental politics going on, and Accountant D. is at the center of it, identifying the problem, getting an explanation, explaining it to the unit manager (my BossBoss). I don’t know if that’s related to this thing that happened next, but I leave the room and come back about five minutes later, am working again, and Volunteer Coordinator B. comes in and asks D. if she’s okay. She says she’s called her doctor, and she’s going to call her right back. A few minutes later, D’s cell phone rings, and I assume it’s her doctor, because she grabs the phone and her keys and leaves the room. As she’s leaving, I hear her – clearly in tears or just out of them – say, “Oh, I’m – okay.”
OBVIOUSLY THIS IS NOT TRUE.
Also, you’re on the phone with your DOCTOR, who really needs to know if you’re not okay, whether they’re a physical or mental health provider, especially if you called them about the problem you’re having right now.
So I really got to thinking about the culture of “okay,” where you’re expected to answer positively to any inquiry after your state of being, even if you’re not. Maybe especially if you’re not. You’re also supposed to answer on the neutral side of positive; it’s bad form somehow to respond, “FANTASTIC!” to “How are you?” even if you are. This is why I called this the culture of “okay” rather than the culture of “good.” “Good” is still a neutral-positive response; we all have our automatic returns to that query, but it baselines to about the same area. How are you? Oh, I’m good. I’m well. I’m okay. Not so bad. Could be better. Comme-ci, comme-ca. So-so. Operating within acceptable parameters. Whatever.
I realize that “How are you” is a kind of generic small talk, along the lines of, “Sure is hot, isn’t it?” – the kind of thing you the checker asks you at the grocery store. A service employee (probably) doesn’t care how you are; they’re just making small talk while you’re standing in front of them. A customer likes to feel like you care about them even if you don’t. Really, not only does the checker doesn’t care how you are, it’s really none of their business, so a neutral-positive response is okay to give. Actually I like to tell service employees that I’m doing great, because they usually smile. It’s nice to hear someone give a non-standard response to anything, really.
But when you’re talking to a friend, or someone whose job it is TO care for or about you, and you still give that neutral-positive response when the answer is ANYTHING else – in either direction – you’re doing a disservice to both of you.
I could talk about the semi-competitive nature of casual friendship, (especially among the female-socialized; there’s a reason the word “frenemy” has to exist and it isn’t a good one) where a super-positive response might trigger jealousy or anger on the part of the friend – but if you’re worried that someone is going to be upset because you’re doing well, or had a good thing happen to you, even if their life is NOT going well – then they’re not really a friend. Or maybe you need to work on your communication, or (and!) they need to work on their emotional responses. In the polyamory community, they call it “compersion,” the ability to find happiness in someone else’s happiness. I am happy for you. The fact that you are doing well makes me genuinely happier. I wish I were doing as well, but I can at least take pleasure in the fact that someone I have a caring relationship with is happy.
What I’m challenging you to do, and what I want to do as well, is increase the number of people in your life that you answer that question honestly with. Eventually create a circle of friends where emotional honesty is actually not only valued but expected.
I read a fantastic blog called The Fluent Self, and she has a tradition every Friday: the Check-In. The mascot for Friday posts is a chicken, which is why that’s the title. Every Friday, she posts about how she’s doing this week, physically and emotionally, and where the stumbling blocks are. So: this is my Friday check-in, for the sake of emotional honesty. Feel free to make yours as well, or post them on your own blogs.
I keep going back and forth between locking this post, and not. On the one hand, emotional honesty is important! People VISIBLY being emotionally honest, calling each other on emotional honesty, that’s the only sort of thing that will eliminate the hard-wired positive-neutral response. On the other hand, public emotions! This is hard! Scary! What do you think? Would you reply more openly or honestly if this post were locked?
So, Friday Chicken:
Overall, I am doing extremely well.
Yes, we are struggling financially, but I have put myself out in the world, and gotten one very positive response. There may be others.
finch is doing things too. I am trusting in the universe to give us what we need. The universe has been very good about giving us that kind of support, and I have enough faith in the higher powers that we will keep going. (At the same time, still offering commissions! The holiday season, it approaches. And if you’re not rich in material wealth, I may be willing to barter for goods and/or services, as you are my friends; cover the cost of my materials and we’ll talk. I’m a bargain-hunter by nature, so I WILL find you the best deal on materials, too.)I am enjoying my internship, I love my job, and even though the schedule means my sleeping schedule is sort of erratic, it’s okay, at least for now. I’ve demonstrated to myself that I can function on 3 hours of sleep if I have to.
finch is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, in terms of relationships, in terms of friendships, in terms of emotional and physical support. He’s gone out of his way to make sure I don’t feel overwhelmed or overworked, and he thanks me, a lot, for everything. I work for appreciation; I will toil and slave and work myself to a nervous breakdown if you appreciate me enough. It’s a flaw in my character, maybe.Stumbling blocks, and ways I am working on/around/over/under/through them:
- There’s never enough time to get everything done, and then I get overwhelmed and just want to knit. So I’ve been giving myself permission to knit for a while before I move on, which usually gives me enough calm TO move on. I’ve really been doing very well at keeping up with what I need to.
- I keep feeling like the lack of sleep is going to catch up with me somewhere. Thus far it hasn’t, and I’m trying VERY hard to take care of myself in other areas. My hour-long commute each way is a way of giving myself time to relax and be creative/productive. Also my work shifts, where I have sporadically interrupted blocks of time to work in. I don’t think I’m eating enough, though – I have learned at cons that you can go without food or sleep but not both. I need to stop skipping breakfast.
- The fear/dread/anxiety about the end of the semester. It’s not that far off! There are goals that I don’t know if I can reach! Finding stuff to do in the interim! ANXIETY. And stuff. Mostly I’ve been ignoring this but I can’t do it much longer.
For next week I need to:
- Begin work on my end-of-semester research paper. Because doing a project before the deadline is hovering over me like a menacing cloud would be a nice change of pace! I have a pile of books to go through. Next week: read one chapter. Bonus goal: TWO chapters.
- Check deadlines for grad school. One of those hovering problems with this is financial; I need money to APPLY to grad school, I need money to take the GRE. However, I don’t need money to ask people to write letters of recommendation. Ask one person to do this. Bonus goal: THREE people.
- Add to the Seafoam Shawl, as the recipient thinks it’s not big enough. I am considering looking for another pattern, maybe something a little lacier, just to spice up the endless ROWS AND ROWS OF KNIT STITCH. Bonus goal: Finish sock #1.
I think that’s enough, for now.
So that’s my Friday chicken. How’s yours?
no subject
Date: 2010-11-12 09:04 pm (UTC)From:This is a neat idea. I think it'll be good for you to lay it all out.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-13 04:31 am (UTC)From:I talked to B for the first time in, what, three years? ON THE PHONE. For four hours. That was yesterday, but, it was...like the best feeling ever. So my Friday is going pretty well, because of that.
Had to sing in studio, and it went very well. Someone told me my acting is "always second to none" and I felt like I was on top of the world.
Still feeling insanely depressed about money. Dad won't get back to me about plane tickets, which is making me pretty crazy, but I'm working on it.
I feel alternately hopeful and hopeless and I can't settle on one.
So I think that's my Friday chicken.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-15 12:12 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-11-15 12:13 am (UTC)From:You'll get to meet him, you know! He'll be at the show Friday, MAKING ME NERVOUS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THREE YEARS. MAN I never get nervous about shows, but I am now aksdjhfkashgf
no subject
Date: 2010-11-13 09:49 am (UTC)From:I don't care about locked vs. not. It's not like anyone knows who I am or cares.
...and yeah, that pretty much says it all about my mental place lately, doesn't it? It's a combo of the time of year (I'm most likely to have epically terribad depression episodes Octoberish-Jan.), and a lot of different things conspiring to make things bad for me, like even my things I do for escapism are just making things worse.
Yukie might be the only thing keeping me sane right now, seeing as she's the one part of my life that does not completely suck, and I hate that because it's completely unfair to her. I keep struggling with this idea that I'm not allowed to be happy because I'm a miserable failure, I'm a disgrace to and I was just deluding myself into thinking I was anything gifted or special, etc. It's hard for me to have faith in anything right now because I feel like I just keep getting kicked when I'm down. One of those headtrips. Superfun.
...suddenly I need to make a post.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-15 12:20 am (UTC)From:Winter is really hard on a lot of people, and it's even worse when you feel like the world's out to get you. Buy some nice full-spectrum lights and have a cup of tea for me.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-14 11:04 pm (UTC)From:This is a really neat idea and yeah... you are so very, very right. We still have this habit of being irritated by any peg that isn't exactly the same height/length/shape/width/position as all the others. =/
My very late Friday chicken is that: 1. I feel badly that I don't have as much time to keep up with friends and fun things as I would like, but 2. I am very happy being where I am and doing what I am doing in school. 3. I am scared shitless I will not be able to land a lab position, like ever. :D
no subject
Date: 2010-11-15 12:21 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-11-16 03:47 pm (UTC)From: