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crankyoldman played with us when she was visiting, and the character she played was Lotus's bodyguard, Gray Waterfall. She was also gracious enough to sit down with me and work out what his reaction to finding out that his young charge had Exalted as a Solar would be. This is what resulted.
Lotus, knees tucked to his chin, is sitting on the window seat in the room the grateful innkeeper had insisted they take, staring out into the night. His sword, cleaned and resheathed, leans against the wall, as far from him as possible within the confines of the space available. The bowl of stew Waterfall had brought him looks almost untouched.
"Not hungry?" Waterfall asks, frowning at his young charge.
"I can't get the smell of blood out of my nose," he says, very softly.
Waterfall peers around at his face and glances down at his hands, checking for stray streaks of blood. The boy looks like he's practically tried to drown himself in the basin of warm water. "It passes. Sometimes it lingers a bit even after you've washed." He looks over at the dish of stew again, thinking about picking it up, and doesn't.
"This is what I wanted, but I - never wanted it like this. I feel like everything's gone all wrong." Lotus buries his face in his knees, a small picture of misery.
Waterfall sits at the end of the nearest bed. "Your companions are a little unruly, I admit, but... perhaps you should tell me exactly what has happened."
Lotus shakes his head without lifting it. "I can't."
"You know I can't help you if I don't tell me what it is you need help with. Are you upset with how the others are... changing?" He pauses, frowning, uncertain if he's overstepping his bounds. "Maybe I am prying. If so, I can leave you be."
"I knew there was something about Hammer, you know?" Lotus looks up, and his eyes are a little wider and wilder than usual.
Waterfall nods. "It is somewhat hard not to notice with him, though."
Lotus's voice is soft and very young. "...Do you think he's anathema now?"
"You know what history says. But he is also young and your friend. I think it is more up to you to answer that." I do, however, wish I had an extra knife, he thinks, frowning.
"I know what the teachings say, but... but it's Hammer. He can't be anathema. And if he is, then... then what?"
"He does not strike me as a threat, but it is always wise to be aware of whatever darker things a person may contain. But it is always my view to be on the defensive, as it is my life."
"You're not going to kill him, are you? Or...report him to the capitol?"
"Not unless you were to ask me to, or he were to make an attempt on your life. As always." He half-bowed.
Lotus shook his head again. "He wouldn't hurt me."
"Then you have nothing to worry about. Unless you are afraid?"
"I'm not afraid of him." His voice was calm, confident, and much closer to the tone Waterfall was used to. He was still biting his lower lip, though, which indicated great worry.
"Good. Is that all that is bothering you?"
He gave Waterfall a long, measuring look. "...What if it wasn't just Hammer who was anathema?"
"That would be rather unusual."
"Hypothetically. I mean, what if it happened... what if it happened to me? Hypothetically."
Waterfall doesn't like where this conversation seems to be heading, he keeps his face impassive. "My reaction to it, or everyone else's?"
"Just yours."
"It wouldn't change my duty to you, if that is what you are asking."
"You wouldn't...feel the need to report me to my mother? Or the clan?"
"When I was young, I was told to serve and protect you. That you were to be the first thought in my mind, above clan and family. Even if I were to think it in your best interest, I would not." Waterfall thinks about the years of preparation and training, before Lotus had even conceived of. His duty is clear: no matter what happens to Jianwei, he must be protected from any and all threats.
Lotus nods. "I...I'm. Grateful for you." Love is an unfamiliar word to the boy, an abstraction, but if he had been someone else, it would probably be the word he used. Waterfall is safety and comfort and protection, more than the strict requirements of bodyguard and charge; Lotus loves the man like the older brother he could never have.
"But, and this is just my opinion, if this were the case, it would probably be wise of you to talk to someone who knows far more about these things than I do."
"Like who? The only people I know about who know anything about the Solar Exalted would want to kill them." They are also far away and out of contact, as long as he remains in hiding. After what happened in the forest, Lotus has the feeling he is going to want to remain in hiding for a very long time.
"Nothing happens without a reason," he assures Lotus. He is realizing that his charge wasn't speaking hypothetically at all, and wonders who had chosen such a difficult path for the boy - and, by extension, for him. That, he doesn't mind so much. "I think you and Hammer and the others might find something." He feels the gap in his knowledge - Solar! Bad! Dragon! Good! seemed so inadequate next to Lotus's frightened eyes.
"Sometimes I wish I knew who got to make the reasons, so I could give them a piece of my mind." He scowls.
"Or a good punch to the gut," Waterfall concurs.
Lotus's eyes returned to his sword, across the room. "How old were you when you killed your first man?"
"A year older than you, actually." They don't let just about anybody be a bodyguard for your type, he thinks.
"Was it... easy? I mean... to get over?"
"I had been prepared mentally and physically to do so since I was very young. But... not the first one, no." He had been bothered by the smell of blood, too, he remembers.
"Mostly I feel sick."
"It's natural to feel guilt and revulsion for taking a life. Humans aren't animals. But... it dishonors the person you killed to stall your life. For it was your life that you exchanged. That is what my father told me, at least."
Lotus nods. "He was...very wise, your father."
"He is. It didn't make it any easier, but it felt less... of a waste. That's why as a fighter you spend the most time learning to disarm, and to disengage the enemy. It is as much for the benefit of your own soul as theirs."
"That makes sense. I - it was really easy, just like practice, but - but not. But I was worried that feeling horrible about it meant that I wasn't meant to be a warrior."
"If you didn't feel horrible about it, you shouldn't be allowed to be a warrior. There are enough butchers in the world. A real warrior feels responsible, but... continues on." He is pleased by the fact of his distress, if not the actual pain. If it had not upset him, Waterfall's duty would be the same, but he has always known that his boy would one day wield great power, and seeing the compassion and reverence for human life is reassuring.
"If I hadn't done it, innocent people might have died." He nodded fiercely, thinking about the merchant and the inn staff.
Waterfall nods. "It was a good first kill. A noble one."
"Thank you."
His eyes return to the abandoned stew, suddenly aware of how hungry he is. "If you're not going to eat that, I'll finish it." He lets the question hang, giving Lotus the opportunity to bring up anything else that is bothering him.
"No, go ahead." It is polite, nearly dismissive.
Pleased, Waterfall takes the bowl. He is particularly fond of stew, though still worried about Lotus's lack of appetite. "Tomorrow you should try and eat just a little more. Get your appetite back, then."
"I will. I'm... very glad you were chosen for me." He stands to bow, a gracious movement that takes Waterfall back to the capital. Rarely are they this formal, even in the privacy of Lotus's quarters at the school.
He rises and returns the gesture, bowing deeper and holding it for longer in the way of inferiors approaching superiors. "I'm honored to protect someone who doesn't take things too lightly." Other members of the clan... complete brats. And I could have been born somewhere else and told to protect Hammer, gods forbid.
Lotus crosses the room and gives you the kind of impulsive hug that reminds you that he's still really a child, underneath his grown-up manners and eternal seriousness.
Gray Waterfall resists the urge to ruffle his hair, and instead points over to the other bed with his spoon. "Bedtime, I think."
"That's probably a good idea."
crankyoldman played with us when she was visiting, and the character she played was Lotus's bodyguard, Gray Waterfall. She was also gracious enough to sit down with me and work out what his reaction to finding out that his young charge had Exalted as a Solar would be. This is what resulted.Lotus, knees tucked to his chin, is sitting on the window seat in the room the grateful innkeeper had insisted they take, staring out into the night. His sword, cleaned and resheathed, leans against the wall, as far from him as possible within the confines of the space available. The bowl of stew Waterfall had brought him looks almost untouched.
"Not hungry?" Waterfall asks, frowning at his young charge.
"I can't get the smell of blood out of my nose," he says, very softly.
Waterfall peers around at his face and glances down at his hands, checking for stray streaks of blood. The boy looks like he's practically tried to drown himself in the basin of warm water. "It passes. Sometimes it lingers a bit even after you've washed." He looks over at the dish of stew again, thinking about picking it up, and doesn't.
"This is what I wanted, but I - never wanted it like this. I feel like everything's gone all wrong." Lotus buries his face in his knees, a small picture of misery.
Waterfall sits at the end of the nearest bed. "Your companions are a little unruly, I admit, but... perhaps you should tell me exactly what has happened."
Lotus shakes his head without lifting it. "I can't."
"You know I can't help you if I don't tell me what it is you need help with. Are you upset with how the others are... changing?" He pauses, frowning, uncertain if he's overstepping his bounds. "Maybe I am prying. If so, I can leave you be."
"I knew there was something about Hammer, you know?" Lotus looks up, and his eyes are a little wider and wilder than usual.
Waterfall nods. "It is somewhat hard not to notice with him, though."
Lotus's voice is soft and very young. "...Do you think he's anathema now?"
"You know what history says. But he is also young and your friend. I think it is more up to you to answer that." I do, however, wish I had an extra knife, he thinks, frowning.
"I know what the teachings say, but... but it's Hammer. He can't be anathema. And if he is, then... then what?"
"He does not strike me as a threat, but it is always wise to be aware of whatever darker things a person may contain. But it is always my view to be on the defensive, as it is my life."
"You're not going to kill him, are you? Or...report him to the capitol?"
"Not unless you were to ask me to, or he were to make an attempt on your life. As always." He half-bowed.
Lotus shook his head again. "He wouldn't hurt me."
"Then you have nothing to worry about. Unless you are afraid?"
"I'm not afraid of him." His voice was calm, confident, and much closer to the tone Waterfall was used to. He was still biting his lower lip, though, which indicated great worry.
"Good. Is that all that is bothering you?"
He gave Waterfall a long, measuring look. "...What if it wasn't just Hammer who was anathema?"
"That would be rather unusual."
"Hypothetically. I mean, what if it happened... what if it happened to me? Hypothetically."
Waterfall doesn't like where this conversation seems to be heading, he keeps his face impassive. "My reaction to it, or everyone else's?"
"Just yours."
"It wouldn't change my duty to you, if that is what you are asking."
"You wouldn't...feel the need to report me to my mother? Or the clan?"
"When I was young, I was told to serve and protect you. That you were to be the first thought in my mind, above clan and family. Even if I were to think it in your best interest, I would not." Waterfall thinks about the years of preparation and training, before Lotus had even conceived of. His duty is clear: no matter what happens to Jianwei, he must be protected from any and all threats.
Lotus nods. "I...I'm. Grateful for you." Love is an unfamiliar word to the boy, an abstraction, but if he had been someone else, it would probably be the word he used. Waterfall is safety and comfort and protection, more than the strict requirements of bodyguard and charge; Lotus loves the man like the older brother he could never have.
"But, and this is just my opinion, if this were the case, it would probably be wise of you to talk to someone who knows far more about these things than I do."
"Like who? The only people I know about who know anything about the Solar Exalted would want to kill them." They are also far away and out of contact, as long as he remains in hiding. After what happened in the forest, Lotus has the feeling he is going to want to remain in hiding for a very long time.
"Nothing happens without a reason," he assures Lotus. He is realizing that his charge wasn't speaking hypothetically at all, and wonders who had chosen such a difficult path for the boy - and, by extension, for him. That, he doesn't mind so much. "I think you and Hammer and the others might find something." He feels the gap in his knowledge - Solar! Bad! Dragon! Good! seemed so inadequate next to Lotus's frightened eyes.
"Sometimes I wish I knew who got to make the reasons, so I could give them a piece of my mind." He scowls.
"Or a good punch to the gut," Waterfall concurs.
Lotus's eyes returned to his sword, across the room. "How old were you when you killed your first man?"
"A year older than you, actually." They don't let just about anybody be a bodyguard for your type, he thinks.
"Was it... easy? I mean... to get over?"
"I had been prepared mentally and physically to do so since I was very young. But... not the first one, no." He had been bothered by the smell of blood, too, he remembers.
"Mostly I feel sick."
"It's natural to feel guilt and revulsion for taking a life. Humans aren't animals. But... it dishonors the person you killed to stall your life. For it was your life that you exchanged. That is what my father told me, at least."
Lotus nods. "He was...very wise, your father."
"He is. It didn't make it any easier, but it felt less... of a waste. That's why as a fighter you spend the most time learning to disarm, and to disengage the enemy. It is as much for the benefit of your own soul as theirs."
"That makes sense. I - it was really easy, just like practice, but - but not. But I was worried that feeling horrible about it meant that I wasn't meant to be a warrior."
"If you didn't feel horrible about it, you shouldn't be allowed to be a warrior. There are enough butchers in the world. A real warrior feels responsible, but... continues on." He is pleased by the fact of his distress, if not the actual pain. If it had not upset him, Waterfall's duty would be the same, but he has always known that his boy would one day wield great power, and seeing the compassion and reverence for human life is reassuring.
"If I hadn't done it, innocent people might have died." He nodded fiercely, thinking about the merchant and the inn staff.
Waterfall nods. "It was a good first kill. A noble one."
"Thank you."
His eyes return to the abandoned stew, suddenly aware of how hungry he is. "If you're not going to eat that, I'll finish it." He lets the question hang, giving Lotus the opportunity to bring up anything else that is bothering him.
"No, go ahead." It is polite, nearly dismissive.
Pleased, Waterfall takes the bowl. He is particularly fond of stew, though still worried about Lotus's lack of appetite. "Tomorrow you should try and eat just a little more. Get your appetite back, then."
"I will. I'm... very glad you were chosen for me." He stands to bow, a gracious movement that takes Waterfall back to the capital. Rarely are they this formal, even in the privacy of Lotus's quarters at the school.
He rises and returns the gesture, bowing deeper and holding it for longer in the way of inferiors approaching superiors. "I'm honored to protect someone who doesn't take things too lightly." Other members of the clan... complete brats. And I could have been born somewhere else and told to protect Hammer, gods forbid.
Lotus crosses the room and gives you the kind of impulsive hug that reminds you that he's still really a child, underneath his grown-up manners and eternal seriousness.
Gray Waterfall resists the urge to ruffle his hair, and instead points over to the other bed with his spoon. "Bedtime, I think."
"That's probably a good idea."
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Date: 2011-01-31 04:44 pm (UTC)From: