I've talked previously about emotional honesty and overall compatibility, and those are the big things to have. If you can't get your needs met, you're in the wrong relationship, and admitting that is not a failure. Today, I'm going to talk about two of those (interrelated) needs, and ways they "should"* be met.
Boundaries. This is one of those things that's awkward to address in a relationship, because it does vary drastically from person to person, and it's easy for feelings to get hurt when boundaries are brought up. On the other hand, feelings also get hurt on a much more serious level when boundaries do get violated.
What I mean by "boundaries" is just the fact that you are an autonomous person and you deserve to be treated like one. This is directly connected to rights that you have, privileges that you grant, and the way you and the other person(s) in the relationship** negotiate both of these. Rights connected to your autonomy include the right to be treated like an individual person, not just like part of a couple; the right to decide what you do with your own time; and the right to have your thoughts and feelings listened to and respected.
What do these rights mean? For one thing, it means that you have the RIGHT to your own space. Ideally, it would be a room of your own. This isn't always possible, but the right to your autonomy means that you have the right to request and receive time to yourself. The right to your individuality and your own time means you get to decide who you want to spend time with, and how much, and for how long - which breaks down into the right to have your own friends that you can spend time with, rather than being attached at the hip to your partner all the time AND the right to say that you DON'T want to spend time with someone right now. The right to have your thoughts and feelings listened to includes the right to say that you don't want to talk about something right now, though your partner similarly has the right to say that they need to discuss it - this is where compromise comes in, and you collectively can work on finding a good time to discuss the topic in question in a way that makes both of you comfortable.
Then there are privileges. I sort of touched on this in passing, but rights are something intrinsic to you, what you have in your own autonomy, and privileges are things you give to someone else. Privileges are about sharing, and your rights essentially permit you to say what you share with whom, and how often, and for how long. Spending time with you, for example, is a privilege. Nowhere does any adult have the RIGHT to spend time with any other adult with whom they have a non-professional relationship. Now, if you're in a good relationship, you're delighted to bestow that privilege on your partner all the timemaybe to the point where your other friends miss you. But she's got every right to spend time with her gamer group, and he's entitled to hang out with his book club, and anybody who won't respect that isn't good for you. Hearing your beloved's secret dreams is also a privilege - again, a privilege that someone in a happy relationship delights in sharing.
Respect. This is a big one, one of those things that disappears in a hurry in bad relationships, and is nowhere to be found in abusive ones. The reason boundaries aren't violated is out of respect. For me, respect is one of those things that keeps the relationship going when the euphoria of new love fades a little. Not only do I love![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
finch to pieces, I respect his intelligence, autonomy, and competence - plus his opinions and his taste. Our tastes don't always overlap (I like Mexican food much more than he does; he likes movies where there are more explosions than characterization) but I respect the things he likes even if I don't like them myself and he is very patient with the fact that I find most of his favorite movies kind of boring.
Without boundaries, and the respect that honoring them represents, the relationship is unhealthy at least, and quite possibly abusive.
* "Should" is definitely a "your mileage may vary" kind of word. The only thing you SHOULD be getting out of a relationship is your needs met; anything else is me blathering. But these are ideas that, in my experience, are important factors in getting your needs met.
** A lot of what I'm talking about here can actually apply to any kind of relationship, not just romantic ones.
Boundaries. This is one of those things that's awkward to address in a relationship, because it does vary drastically from person to person, and it's easy for feelings to get hurt when boundaries are brought up. On the other hand, feelings also get hurt on a much more serious level when boundaries do get violated.
What I mean by "boundaries" is just the fact that you are an autonomous person and you deserve to be treated like one. This is directly connected to rights that you have, privileges that you grant, and the way you and the other person(s) in the relationship** negotiate both of these. Rights connected to your autonomy include the right to be treated like an individual person, not just like part of a couple; the right to decide what you do with your own time; and the right to have your thoughts and feelings listened to and respected.
What do these rights mean? For one thing, it means that you have the RIGHT to your own space. Ideally, it would be a room of your own. This isn't always possible, but the right to your autonomy means that you have the right to request and receive time to yourself. The right to your individuality and your own time means you get to decide who you want to spend time with, and how much, and for how long - which breaks down into the right to have your own friends that you can spend time with, rather than being attached at the hip to your partner all the time AND the right to say that you DON'T want to spend time with someone right now. The right to have your thoughts and feelings listened to includes the right to say that you don't want to talk about something right now, though your partner similarly has the right to say that they need to discuss it - this is where compromise comes in, and you collectively can work on finding a good time to discuss the topic in question in a way that makes both of you comfortable.
Then there are privileges. I sort of touched on this in passing, but rights are something intrinsic to you, what you have in your own autonomy, and privileges are things you give to someone else. Privileges are about sharing, and your rights essentially permit you to say what you share with whom, and how often, and for how long. Spending time with you, for example, is a privilege. Nowhere does any adult have the RIGHT to spend time with any other adult with whom they have a non-professional relationship. Now, if you're in a good relationship, you're delighted to bestow that privilege on your partner all the time
Respect. This is a big one, one of those things that disappears in a hurry in bad relationships, and is nowhere to be found in abusive ones. The reason boundaries aren't violated is out of respect. For me, respect is one of those things that keeps the relationship going when the euphoria of new love fades a little. Not only do I love
finch to pieces, I respect his intelligence, autonomy, and competence - plus his opinions and his taste. Our tastes don't always overlap (I like Mexican food much more than he does; he likes movies where there are more explosions than characterization) but I respect the things he likes even if I don't like them myself Without boundaries, and the respect that honoring them represents, the relationship is unhealthy at least, and quite possibly abusive.
* "Should" is definitely a "your mileage may vary" kind of word. The only thing you SHOULD be getting out of a relationship is your needs met; anything else is me blathering. But these are ideas that, in my experience, are important factors in getting your needs met.
** A lot of what I'm talking about here can actually apply to any kind of relationship, not just romantic ones.
